at exactly 3:30am i woke up and thought of you

it felt real 

the panic and trauma 

of a 3:30am nightmare

but what makes it worse is when I woke up 

I remembered that you're not there

with no funny anecdote

or keeping me close 

or fingers running through my hair 

just alone in the dark that wants to swallow me up

and trying so hard not to think it's not fair

I'll soothe my dry throat with days old water, 

repeat a mantra of "please just any other thought" 

but rewiring my brain from 6 months of just you 

in minutes is clearly a long shot 

the shadows around me look nothing like you,

the screams and sobs come so uncontrollably,  

I'm trying to fill up the hole in my chest 

with barely deep breaths and a lot of shit poetry 

as I toss and turn I hate the feeling of my body 

that's still not taken off your t-shirt

the mirrors all around my room show a me without you 

and memories that don't care how much it hurts 

now that you're not here to keep monsters away 

they creep out from under my bed

like a scared little kid tangled up in the blanket 

unguarded fears worm into my head 

they eat at my brain— the greedy little things—

like my shattered heart wasn't enough 

you consume my mind and my lungs and my heart

but this time I can't wake up